Remembrall

I found this book today by Jeffrey Archer which I had bought like 2 years ago. I remember it was a terrible day for me. I was missing my home and I was super stressed about my upcoming exams and out of nowhere I decided to walk to a bookshop nearby and bought this book. I sniffed through the pages and a sense of calm washed over me. It felt like the pages had wrapped me into this warm hug even if it was just for a second. I remember talking to one of my very close friends, outside my dance class , in the rain about the most stupid dreams we had and how we had sat there with our eleven year old eyes staring at the puddles. I remember going to the circus when I was six with my dad and younger brother. I remember a girl sharing her strawberries with me there. I remember waking up in the hospital after the bad fall I had in school and how I was beyond ecstatic about not going to school for a month after that. Yesterday as my younger brother was going in for his board exams, I could only think about the day he was born. He was born a day after Christmas. And I vaguely remember red and green lights as we were going to the hospital. He wasn’t breathing when he came out. I was not even four and through the glass door I could see the doctor hitting his back to make him breathe and all I remember was my utter rage towards that doctor who was smiling as my baby brother cried like there was no tomorrow. It’s funny how memories work. They are almost like treasure hunt clues of our past selves, how we can always trace back to that one moment of gratitude, happiness or despair. Memories are etched in our minds forever but what does change is our reaction to them. And in that reaction is where we find ourselves blooming. The worst of the memories over the course of time give you the strength to face life. The most insignificant things make you laugh till you cry. The way you start sympathizing with people you thought were impossible to deal with. How some endings bring so much peace to our life. We have all lived through the impossible, the unthinkable. But we are all still here. Breathing. Existing. Trying. And our memories are the only battle scars that are left of us. Lots and lots of love, Jahnaviđź’«

Yin yang

Happiness. It’s so much but can be found in so many little things. Some fear it. Some live it. Some are searching for it. Some are holding on to the hope for it. But one thing the past year has taught me is that happiness is an effort. It never can or never will come to you. You have to open your cold heart to it. You have to dig deeper and search harder for it. Self destruction is addictive or at least was for me. I was in this cycle that no matter what happened I used to end up giving it a negative tone. And before I knew it I was falling back into the same pattern of stress, over thinking and anxiety. It was tough to break through but who knew that happiness is even more addictive than grief? Our brains tend to hold on to everything familiar in the times of radical changes. So when i moved cities the only familiar thing my brain had held on to was the self-doubt i was harboring. But then i started seeing it beauty in the words of the books I read, love in the food I ate and sparkle in everything I laid my eyes on. It was tough. Really tough to firstly recognizing the problem and accepting it and secondly working towards a better me. It is never gonna happen over night. It’s gonna take every ounce of your energy. But it is gonna be worth the efforts. Slowly you will find your smile genuinely reaching your eyes and it will be easier to drift off to sleep. But then suddenly there are gonna be moments which are gonna pull you back in that hurricane again. The only difference is gonna be that now you will know how to deal with it without being reckless.

The thing about pain is, that you need it to feel the happiness. I read this somewhere that grief and pain are like the act of digging a well. Digging is terrible and takes a lot of efforts but the deeper you dig the more water you can fill up in your well. So now everytime I am hurt beyond words I always hope to fill that burning hole with happiness beyond words.

IT HAS BEEN SO LONG YOU GUYS. I haven’t posted here in like a year and I am so glad to be back. It was one hell of a year and I cannot wait to share everything with you all here.

Please please share all your feedback and criticism in the comments down below.!

Lots of love,

Jahnavi

Email: jahnaviddesai@yahoo.com

Instagram: throughtheconundrumoflife